The Four Phases of the Post-Paddle

PHASE I: “THE HUNGER”

Phase I often begins immediately upon completion of the workout, though in some paddlers the effect can be delayed.  There have also been cases observed in which the HUNGER will begin over the course of a strenuous workout.  The HUNGER descends with great fury and without warning, a primordial drive that terminates logic and potentially removes ones very identity.  The empty husk that remains is a desperate creature, animated solely by the desire to eat everything and anything within reach.

 On the plus side, spouses and housemates attest that the HUNGER is an excellent way of getting rid of leftovers in the fridge or fruit on the verge of spoiling.

PHASE II: “THE BLISS”

There is a beautiful moment in time where carbohydrates and proteins make peace with one another, and fats, salts and sugars of all varieties are welcomed to the table of even the pickiest of eaters with gusto.  Only a miracle of heaven can be compared to the sensation of full life being restored to the body via sweet, sweet fuel.  The unalloyed joy that floods the once hollow body; the spirit returns to the eyes and the soul.  Just as the ancient Israelites were lead out of the wilderness to the land of milk and honey, so shall the paddler be freed from the bondage of hunger and into the paradise of milk and honey, on top of toast, dipped in yogurt and fruit, with a whole chicken on the side, maybe a potato or two...

This is a vulnerable time of tenderness and warmth, where a paddler will recall fondly even the worst moments of the race or workout and wish to share every detail of the story with strangers, loved ones or really anyone who will listen.

PHASE III: “THE DENIAL”

Riding the wave of BLISS, there is a window, ever so brief, where a paddler may think for a time that they can continue their day as a normal human being.  In this phase, as one relishes the color that has returned to their cheeks, they may begin to plan to do chores, attend social events, or generally map out the rest of their day.  This is madness, and a sign that DENIAL has settled in.

This phase is often short lived.

PHASE IV: “THE CRASH”

Once the body obtains the food it desired, the CRASH may begin with a sudden, unexpected and even violent wave.  It is recommended that paddlers be watched by loved ones prior to this phase; in case there is need to set up a soft landing space for their impending collapse.  

The CRASH can manifest in a power nap on a sandy beach, or a deep fairy tale slumber that lasts through the night and into the dawn.  Do not be too hard on those who do not wake - but please do snap photos of their awkward sleeping positions, and feel free to draw things on their faces.